The Consequences of Spin the Bottle- Phan
by treestone
Summary: Dan and Phil go to a party and get somewhat inebriated... An underlying illness threatens each's livelihoods.
1. Chapter 1

Dans POV

A few hours ago I would have had more colourful words at hand when asked to describe this party. MOTHERFUCKING SICK, is all I can call to mind right now! 'motherfcking' because it just encapsulates all unexplainable feelings of utter epicness into one word, and 'sick' because I really want to get across how daym cool this party is, but also there is a hint of nausea. Just synthetic coloured lighting, a shit load of people –all of whom are making the atmosphere comparable to that of a volcanos inners- muse is pumping out so load from every side, and boooooz! Yeah, I think I may be drunk but screw that I'm 21! It's allowed!

Phils POV

This party is kind of how I image life to be constantly inside PJ's head. Absolutely crazy! I feel a bit stupid cos I have definitely had too much to drink- tbh everyone has! But I kind of set myself a target not to have any spirits and only drink a few beers. It's embarrassing what I light weight I am! But well…I guess that's out the window. But hey, why shouldn't I have some fun? At least we know Jack and Dean so we can always crash here-it doesn't look like Dan is up for a train ride home tonight!

Dan stumbles over to me and hands me a shot! "I really don't think I should!" I shout above the music. Dan tries to say something back, but it is lost in the music. He beckons me to the corner, where it is quieter. "come-on Phil, your pissed anyway, why the hell not?" In my alcohol flooded brain this seems to make perfect sense so I shrug, clink glasses with him and we down them at the same time. Dans face is hilarious, he winces like the drink literally bite him. I know my face must be similar because we just start laughing at each other. I'm pretty sure I spray him while laughing, and he definitely got me. Soon all we have to do is look at each other and mockingly wipe our faces and we can't stand we are laughing so much. It occurs to me that alcohol is so undignified, yet sometimes all we need is our inhibitions loosened so we can have some real harmless fun.

We are still laughing-I don't even really know what about anymore- about 5 mins later when we hear chants of "DO IT!DO IT! DO IT!" coming from the kitchen area. We give each other an almost identical puzzled look, and giggling still get up and walk over to see what is going on.

We walk in to see Dean Dobbs and Chris Kendel on hands and knees-obviously having just crawled to the center of the circle. A bottle lies beneath them on the floor and they look like they are about to kiss. Chis looks really awkward and is shouting over the music "you utter bastards! . ." Dean looks too pissed to care, but shouts back "Just imagine I'm PJ and we can got it over with!" Everyone laughs but continues the "DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!" Chant. "OK OK, but no cameras allowed!" Chris shouts.

They look at each other for a moment and Dean sighs and quickly peaks Chris on the lips.

"WEEEEEEY!" Dan cheers and so does everybody else. Dean and Chris craw back to their positions and the bottle is spin again.

Dans POV:

I go to sit down in the circle of people. Although there are lots of people in the room not very many sit in the circle but are gathered around. These I assume, are the people who are not past the tipsy barrier of drunk yet. Phil nudges my arm saying "What? You genna play?"

"Yeah, cause I am. Why not? Will be a laugh!" I say back.

"But you will get a guy!" Phil says shocked.

"So" I shrug. "Who gives a fuck, we're all friends. Besides whose genna remember this in the morning?" Phil gives me an unconvinced look.

"Aww come-on Phil! It's just a bit of fun! It will be priceless!" Phil shrugs and joins me. I have either convinced him, or the alcohol is governing his actions, but I'm kind of glad I'm not alone, so at least he can be made a fool of too!

This time the bottle lands first on Jack Howard, who raises his arms in mock celebration and says "Right, tell me who is genna be the lucky bugger?" He spins the bottle and it lands on Phil. Phil blushes, but I push him forward towards Jack and he reluctantly smiles. They look around awkwardly for a moment, but then Jack swiftly grabs both sides of Phils face and rather too quickly plants a kiss on Phils still laughing lips.

Next Finn is paired with Alex Day. Alex covers the space between his and Finns mouth after the kiss and they pretend to French it, making loads slurping noises. Then Tim and Sam Pepper are paired and try to outdo Alex's and Finns performance.

Then finally the bottle spins to me! "come-on one of you sexy beasts, who will feed this Llama?!" Everyone laughs, although I think only the people on either side could hear me. I spin the bottle and it lands on Jack (Finns twin). He grins at me and holds out his hand as if to feed me. I pretend to violently rip food from his hand with my teeth. But when I look up and him I think, oh fuck I have to kiss this guy, stuff kind of becomes less funny. We look awkwardly as each other for a moment. "ugh Dan! Come-on! You can talk the talk, but can you walk the walk?" Jack scolds and swiftly presses his lips to mine. I am very glad when it is over. And as I stumble back to my place I am comforted by the thought that I a definitely not gay."

Phil winks at me and I give him a dirty look as I try to leave the circle, but the bottle lands on me again as I stand up. PJ is blushing. Ohh shit I have to kiss PJ now? Even in my drunk state I really do not want to do this, but he strides over to me and very swiftly kisses the corner of my mouth. YEP, definitely not gay, I think again. I sit down were I am, not being able to remember where I was going in the first place and I crawl back to Phil.

Phils POV:

As Dan crawls back to me he gives me another look and says "Yeah, maybe this was a bad idea! Shall we just watch?" he flicks his head towards the people standing up. I nod vigorously. Chris and Tim kiss behind me. "yeah, that's fine, I really did't like that actually" I say, and Dan nods in mutual agreement as Jack and Dean kiss to woohs of laughter. We stand up together and start to pick our way out of the circle- which was made quite difficult for many people where just lying around the circle, AND alcohol tends to impede your balance! "Phil!" many voices shout!

"Oh no, I'm not playing anymore!" I protest, but they aren't listening. They spin it again.

"Dan!" they yell! Dan shakes his head looking weary; I can see the alcohol is now taking effect on him.

"We were just leaving." Dan calls back. But now the "DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!" chanting is back and they won't listen to our protest. Finally I shrug. "Let's just get it over with." I say.

Dan looks at me and sighing nods.

"It's like a bloody fan girls dream in here!" he shouts shaking his head at everyone.

"haha get it? Phan girl?" I join in. We may as well put on a show for them. That's the way it I figure it. We look at each other then, and giggle like we were earlier. But at least it's not really uncomfortable like it was with Jack Howard when he kissed me. We look at each other again and nod. Simultaneously we lean in and softly press our lips together. I stay there feeling surprisingly not repulsed unlike earlier, and wait for Dan to pull away.

Dans POV:

My lips touch lightly to Phils and I am surprised by the fact that I don't hate this. Sudden concerns about my sexuality start flooding into my head, all the while my lips are unmovingly pressed to Phils. I banish the thoughts and try to think how to proceed. Strangely I kind of want to kiss him properly instead of this unmoving lip thing we are currently doing. If he isn't up for it then he could always pull away and I could blame it on the alcohol. Come to think of it, maybe it is the alcohol. So, I lift my hand and lightly place it on the back of Phils neck. He mimiks me to my surprise and puts his hand on my shoulder. Suddenly I realise my eyes are shut. I peak at Phils who also has his eyes lightly closed. So I close mine again and ever so slightly part my lips. His lips find the new space and tentatively he kisses me back. I part my lips a little further this time and again his fill the space, and ever so slightly he tilts his head and puts more pressure into the kiss.

Phils POV:

I am standing in a room full of people- all of whom I know are watching us, and I am kissing Dan. It's weird. I never even contemplated it as I thing I would do, but I find myself doing it now. And although it is an utterly forging concept to me, it doesn't feel wrong, or like I should be embarrassed. So I go with it. Ever so slightly we mover are lips together in an unfamiliar pattern. It's almost like I'm finding out a new side to him. Like, I know what food he does and doesn't like, I know what pisses him off and how to cheer him up, but I have never touched him more than to give him a matey hug or to receive a high 5. It's perplexing, but nice. Finally it seems like- but probably only after about 12 seconds of actual lip contact someone clears their throats. We both pull away at the same time. Dan looks confused, but perfectly unabashed. "Do you think we put everyone else to shame?" Dan asks me. "Yeah, beat that!" I shout. Everyone looks slightly shocked, but they clap and the game continues. We walk out of the room, me following Dan until he stops in an empty corridor and turns to face me. I look at him, unsure what to say next. He smiles saying "well that could have gone a lot worse, plus I think we definitely killed the competition!" I laugh not sure how serious he is, and how serious I am.

We slide down the wall still laughing vaguely. "Blimey I'm tired!" I say, and Dan nods in agreement yawning. He suddenly, lifts his hand and brushed away a bit of my fringe dangling in front of my eyes. "I need a haircut, right?" I say. One part of me is just sitting there with my best friend after a bit too much to drink at a party, and another part of me is breathless with anticipation at being alone with someone I just kissed. "Humm, it wouldn't go amiss," He said "How' mine? Does it need a hack too?" I look up at him, and slowly run my fingers though his hair. It's so odd to touch him and be touched by him like that in such a casual manner. But again, I don't hate it! "Yeah I think we both could do with one." I say after a pause.

Ahhhh why the hell not!- I think to myself. I cup Dans chin with my hand and pull his face to mine as I lean into him. He doesn't resist, and we find our kiss exactly where we left it.


	2. Chapter 2

Phils POV:

It's weird waking up. At first because i don't remember going to sleep, then because this heavy throbbing in my head claims my attention along with a really dry mouth. i also feel kind of sick, but these things do not hold my attention for long; for i have had plenty hangovers before. no. i feel as if i should remember something important that has happened. you know just one of those nagging feelings.

i start to sit up, as though this will help my searching brain, when i realized that my head is resting on something quite soft. shifting my head slowly to the side, i saw it was Dans chest. wow, this is quite intimate, i thought. haha we really did get slothered last night!

but then as i am still looking at him a memory filterers through the drowsiness and the preoccupation of dehydration. not like a flash, which is how they show it in films, but a proper memory complete with the pounding music from the next room, his rich musky smell, the sightly tainted taste of his tounge, the feel of his hands on my neck, and his lips in a constantly moving jigsaw fitting them to mine. and then as i leaned ever so slightly back from his eyes, which were slightly blurry because of how close to him i was, never the less they still radiated happiness.

i sighed involuntarily. i remember now. that shouldn't have happened. not Dan. i have so much to loose. but then again as i found out last night, i'm not gay. i won't just go for any guy and enjoy it, and yeah, i enjoyed it!so what was that? was that an alcohol fueled moment of emotional transcendence that just got a bit intimate? or do i actually have a...a thing (i guess) for my best friend?

i get up careful not to disturb Dan and go to the kitchen in search of water. i need to puzzle out a few things in my head. and i think it only fair if Dan wakes up alone, so has the chance to do the same.

Dans POV:

my brain is awake before i am. it has no difficulty recalling the events of the previous night. i vaguely recall nodding off at around 4.00am with Phils cheek on my shoulder. i open my eyes, and wait for a second for the photo-receptors in my eyes to get their asses soughed out so i can see properly. i look around me and see a glass of water on the floor by my head, the corner of which is holding down a folder piece of paper. sitting up gingerly i reach for the glass, and while drinking i unfold the note. it reads:

Dan.

going home, is approx 9.00.

have a pretty bad hangover and need a bed.

sorry to leave you but i didn't want to disturb you.

say thanks to Jack.

Phil :)

p.s don't worry about last night man. talk it over when i see you.

'don't worry about last night' does that mean he remembers? oh man what must he think of me? it's weird though. i'm not gay, and i am pretty darn sure he isn't either, but i'm not genna lie PHIL CAN KISS!

i'm so confused, and quite frankly my brain isn't up to more than zombie tasks right now. swiftly i check my phone. it is 1pm. i better get home. i scribble a note ('great party mate! thank see you soon! Dan and Phil') ripped from the corner of phils note and put it on Jacks face. he is still sleeping. then i step into the brisk morning air and begin my long winded journey home to Phil.


	3. Chapter 3

Phils POV:

I wanted to try and sought things out in my head, alone while Dan was still at Jack and Deans, but my brain wont let me think. it was like it had just closed down and put up a sign saying ' im sorry your brain is closed until you get some serious sleep!' so instead i just stumbled home zombie style, with this terrible gnawing feeling that i was genna have to do some serious examinations of my own feelings. as soon as i got through the door of our apartment i collapsed on the sofa, kicked off my shoes and i guess i must have fallen asleep.

Dans POV:

you know those circular internal conversations you have in your head, where you seem to go over and over the same facts without actually ever arriving at a conclusion or a plan of action? that is what was happening in my mind. the conversations is as follows:

1. i kissed Phil.

2. i enjoyed kissing Phil.

3. i don't think i am gay though.

4. i dont really care too much if i am gay.

5. what will Phil think of me?

6. do i actually LIKE Phil in that way, or what it the alcohol?

7. oh G is our friendship ruined?

yep awful! just unanswerable question and sought of disturbing facts. ugh my head is a mess, plus i really need to sleep some more. hopefully i can just get home, Phil will be asleep and i can put off this impending conversation of misery until later.

i stand up uneasily as the tube starts to slow for my stop. walking out of the tube station and up the familiar path to our tower block i kind of zone out, and let my feet take me on the frequently trudged journey, while in my head i reiterate the previous conversation in my head. it is only when i find myself standing right outside my own door that i zone back into my surroundings and begin to panic. i fumble for my keys, experiencing the usual surge of utter terror when i can't at first find them. but once the mini heart failure is over i ease the door open, in an unusually quiet manner, and creep into the flat. as i pass by the living room area i spot Phil stretched out on the sofa asleep. the sight of his long limbs splayed out is somehow really funny. but it comforts me. Phil is my best friend, we can sought this out. but as i continue to look at Phil i notice things that i never normally see in him. like the way his fringe is mushed up against the sofa pillows, how his forehead is somewhat winkled from where his faces is pressed to the chairs arm. his pale pointed face kind of looking adorable in sleep. i am shocked by the tenderness with which i find myself looking at my gawky hungover flat mate. but as i start to turn away towards my room i trip over a shoe. Phil stirs. he opens his eyes drowsily and looks up at me.i kind of wish i could, but i do not look away.


	4. Chapter 4

Dans POV:  
For a moment i don't know what to say to him. Do i act cool? Do i run away? Do i pour out all my confused mess of feelings? Do i deny everything? Each one seems rather appealing in its own way.

Phils POV:  
A small noise wakes me from my awkward slumber. I look up to see Dan stood above me looking shell shocked. He has obviously just returned, and looks pretty rough. Im guessing he got my note, or else remembers the events of the previous night from the look of panic he is currently observing me with.

Well i guess he is leaving it up to me to break the somewhat extended silence. I scrabble in my brain for coherent words to string together. I had just settled upon saying 'hi' to him, but as i open my mouth to do so, something wells up in me. At first o think i am about to have some kind of emotional breakdown, when i suddenly realise that something it LITERALLY rising up inside of me. I quickly throw myself from the couch, pushing dan aside. He cries out in dismay, apparently also unable to form actual words yet as i streak through the small flat towards the bathroom. I reach the toilet just in time and nosily vomit into the bowl. After about a minute or two of self conscious wretching i lift me head. Dan is stood by the door, with an odd expression of his face. Its something like concern but rapidly entering the neighborhood of amusement. He holds out a glass of water to me, as i plop my ass down on the bathroom floor instead of kneeling on the hard tiles. He leans over me, pulling a face at the smell and flushes the toilet.  
"Thanks" i say thickly.  
He looks down at me. He looks calmer, more in control of his emotions than when he woke me. Suddenly we both start laughing.

Dans POV:  
While Phil was throwing up in the toilet i realised something. Phil is human. I know that sounds stupid and obvious but when you think about someone so much but are not actually with them you form this false idea of who they are. You alter their characteristics to how you imagine them to be in your head, and it is very easy to confuse your made up version with the actual thing. People do it to their idols and celebrities all the time. This is why, more often than not, we are disappointed in them when we actually find out something real about them. I realised i had done this to Phil in my head. I had given him a new identity. That of perfection. That of disgust towards me. So only now as i heard him unceremoniously puking loudly into a toilet bowl, on all fours after a rough night, did it dawn on me that although Phil is amazing, he is not this perfect super human guy that is judging me. He will understand. He knows what its like to make mistakes, or do irrational things. We can get to the bottom of this! He IS my best friend after all!

we laugh together.

Phils POV:

still snorting Dan slides down the opposite wall of the bathroom his leg extended in front of him, mimicking my position but against the opposite wall. our feet are almost touching. i don't know why i acknowledged this fact, but it burns brightly in my head refusing to be ignored. his proximity has never been something my brain was interested in before...

"your an idiot Phil, you know your a light weight!" Dan smiles at me clearly just joking around, breaking the ice or whatever. it works. i find myself inflating with mocking indignation.

"hey! i was genna take it easy, but you where the one pushing the drinks on me!"

Dan blushed, "God Phil, you make it sound like i was trying to get you drunk for some ulterior motive..." he trailed off, embarrassed by what he had said.

it embarrassed me too, but i figured that we had to talk about it at some point. i laughed though. "yeah, well spin the bottle kind of did that for us didn't it?!"

"Damn that bottle of revolving fate! it stole my plan!" he said it still mockingly, but i was almost certain that he was trying to say something else, something more...

one of us had to be brave, and come out with it and say what was on out minds. as usual Dan left it to me.

i got up, wondering how to phrase what i needed to say to him. all the while my brain was playing catch up, still unsure of how i actually felt. i filled the short silence by clattering around at the sink and brushing my teeth to remove the taste of sick. Dan stayed on the floor.

suddenly he spoke. he seemed to have worked out what he needed to say, unlike me, and for once he seemed to be prepared to take the hit that honestly rewarded.

"to be honest, i don't regret it. it was odd mate i won't deny. but...well, it wasn't awful...in fact..."

i spat out my toothpaste, and swiveled around to face him. he was stood up right behind me. in that moment i looked at him. i looked at what i saw everyday, but in a new way. like the way you look at your house differently after it snows. it is familiar yet so alien. this intrigued me, and i let my eyes explore his face. his dimples, his slightly flicked nose, his brown polished eyes, his smooth skin, his lips...

"in fact?" i almost whispered.

his eyes flicked towards my lips, so i bent down and our lips collided. his where slightly parted and i immediately fitted mine to the shape of his. for several minutes we stood there. gradually growing more confident. his mouth was warm, and soft.

suddenly he warped his arms around me in a tight embrace, pulling me closer to him. i could feel the shape of his lean boyish frame against mine. as he did this the kissing grew more urgent. i grabed his lower lip between my teeth and tugged slightly. he made a small noise of surprise and ever so slightly pulled his mouth away, leaning his forehead on mine.

I was suddenly worried that i had crossed some unknown line, when he said breathlessly,

"... in fact it was actually pretty phenomenal", before he crushed his lips back to mine, igniting something previously unlight just behind my chest.


	5. Chapter 5

Phils POV:

Dan. He is the one i think of when at first i wake up, admitted we usually huddle up on the sofa together, or else one of our late night talks gets interrupter by sleep and we awake in the morning in the same positions; spread out on one of our beds.

Dan. He is the one i think of when i have to leave him to get milk from the shop. Just replaying the sweeter moments of each others company, or imagining the anecdotes i will tell him upon my return. Maybe i could work the strange lady behind the counter of the corner shop messing up my change into a funny vivacious story for him.

Dan. He is the one i think of when listening to music. Suddenly i seem to get it. All the previously nonsensical lyrics make sense now. Now i have someone like that all for my own.

In many ways my obsession for Dan is ludicrous. He is an immovable force in my head. Not making daily tasks difficult or hard to concentrate on, but sweeter. i think upon all things in a new way. things that where once boring, i fill with the memories of your kisses or conversations. things that irritated me don't seem as important, because i know that i am so lucky, and the things that are good are even better.

then there is actually being with Dan. which is so much of the time. there's never a moment where i just want to leave the room to be alone for a bit. im not sure, but i think he fees the same. we talk all the time. but not just talk, i mean we connect. we share feelings, memories and opinions like we never have before.

we laugh, we joke, we play stupid games.

the weather in Britain is finally getting sunnier so we go out for walks in the park, or out in the town.

its ridiculous to think that a month ago we where just two friends living together. because so much has changed. maybe as an outsider you would see next to no change? we haven't announced our relationship to others yet, because we want to enjoy these new and exciting experiences without feeling watched. but on the inside all is different. the casual smiles that look so innocent but tell the other we are so happy to be alive, the touches that are so frequent because not to be touching is a universe filled with potential energy, and the kisses that can be so sweet and tender, yet also fierce and lustful.

yes, maybe my infatuation is sickening, and stereotypical. but i am happy. so happy that i don't even really care about being gay. the way me and Dan see it is that we have these feelings for each other, the fact that we are both male is irrelevant. we don' t really care about any of that, which is a relief because i always imagined that coming to the knowledge that you are gay would be a very scary and worrying thing to do. but its fine. we are still the same people. It must be because we have each other, that this whole thing is so easy and natural.

so here we are a month later standing in the kitchen of your apartment and all these thoughts are running through my head when it dawns on me... I think i am in love.

Again, this doesn't scare me like it should. It makes me so happy that i have found 'the one'. and that they are with me now. and i can tell them now. i know exactly what to do. i have to tell him now, and everyday until the end, and that will make me the happiest person ever. to love, and for that person to know i love them.

"Dan," i say as put down my bowl of cereal and stride across the kitchen.

he looks up at me. his demeanor is light, easy and relaxed. I clasp his hands in mine and look up at him.

our eyes meet for the breifest of moments before suddenly he coughs and blood trickles out of his nose. i take a step back worried, unsure what is happening. then the next thing i know, he is holding his head in his arms, crouched on the floor moaning and yelling in agony, the pool of blood growing larger as he wretches and heaves, coughing and choking. then he is still and silent.

Later in the ambulance i realize he may never hear me tell him that he is loved.


	6. Chapter 6

Dans POV:

It's like taking off a life jacket. before my world completely re-orientated itself i was safe. i could bob along on the surface with no real worries about anything, but i was restrained, i wasn't free. i couldn't stretch out my arms and legs to see if i would drown or swim...but now, now that life preserving restraint has been removed.

At first my head dropped below the water as i struggled to remain how i was before. it happened during the Christmas period when all those around me where so happy and full of festive cheer and i just couldn't bring myself to be the dark cloud on the horizon, so i told no one. my disease was not only a serious threat to my life, but it was also effecting my mood. that is me drowning.

For about 3 mouths i drowned. i know Phil had noticed, even some of the fans seemed to have caught on. apparently the fact that i wasn't uploading as regularly meant something was wrong. i hate it when they think they know me, just because i tell them funny story's once a week! of course they where right, and it got to me that it was so patently obvious that i was drowning. no one likes to be watched as they sink after all.

I think that is why Phil worked so hard to make me go to Jack and Deans party that night. because on that night and the weeks that followed i stopped flailing around in the deep water, but was able to rise and float on the surface. all my worries reseeded into insignificance. i mean yes, i still worried about my health, and admittedly i still didn't tell anyone; not even the most important person in my life, for i didn't want to make him anxious, and i was too distracted by the joys of floating on the surface. no restrains, breathing easy full breaths and not drowning.

i was so absorbed in Phil that i utterly forgot that a tsunami was heading my way.

We had just spent the entire day out in the park. it had been such lovely weather that we had gone for a walk, that turned into an spontaneous picnic. we had lain on the grass in the sun for several hours after that, just talking. the day was too hot to do much more than that. besides i could tell Phil was tired from our previous late night at the BBC, and i had a bit of a headache forming in the center of my head. we where both so tired when we got home that we just about managed to eat the left over from the previous nights spaghetti, before we flopped onto my bed to sleep.

the next morning i awoke late to find Phil already in the shower, and to a splitting headache. i shuffled lopsidedly to my bedside draws and located the bottle of paracetamol. i took some out and went to the kitchen to get a glass of water to help me swallow them.

At this time i heard the shower cut out, and called to Phil asking him what he wanted for breakfast. 10 minuted after Phil walked in fully clothed, hair still dripping. i bent down to give him a peck on the lips. Phil however had other ideas and garbed my face to kissed me properly. His tongue traced my lips and i quickly caught up with him, pulling him towards me for a deeper kiss.

when we finally broke apart i struggled for a second to collect my thoughts. after a second or two i laughed "what was that for?"

"i'm just in a really good mood today, that's all." he replided looking up at me through his wet fringe.

"well me too now. i think today shall be amazing...maybe even better than yesterday; if that's possible!"

i handed him his bowl of cereal and we crunched companionably. we never really spoke much while we ate, because we were both so focused on eating. i liked that about Phil. so it came as a surprise therefore when Phil suddenly put his bowl down, mid-way through.

"Dan," he said, putting his hands into mine and looking up at me. I looked down at him quizzically when suddenly the most terrible pain shot through my head. Phil stepped back from me looking distracted and concerned. then i don't really know what happened next, but suddenly the floor was pressed to my cheek as i yelled in agony. warm liquid was poring out of my nose and mouth, and i couldn't help breathing it in. it tasted metallic and i was choking on it. all the while my vision was growing blurrier and blurrier as the pain within my head peaked and stabbed at my skull. just as the pain seemed to go beyond endurance i felt myself go limp and knew no more.

The tsunami had hit.


	7. Chapter 7

"Phillip Lester?"

I lifted my head slowly praying that i wasn't about to see a doctor slowly and sadly shaking his head at me.

I had been sat in the waiting room for 7 hours since i had been pulled away from Dan when the ambulance reached to hospital. Everyone had been so urgent, rushing around, shouting things, giving orders, and plunging syringes into his arms. I had just sit there incapable of listening or helping; tears silently leaking from my eyes.

And I had thought that that had been horrible?! But at least i was with Dan, and could hold his hand. At least i knew, that however precariously, he was still alive! At least i wasn't alone with my horrific imagination of what could be happening to him somewhere behind closed doors! At least there happen't been any concerned strangers furtively glancing at me, wondering why i wasn't in a straight jacket.

I looked up to see a tired looking nurse with black hair and a nose ring beckoning at me. I walked towards her kind of terrified at what she might tell me. she seemed to realize that i was right on the edge, and smiled reassuringly at me.

"Is he..." i crocked out, my voice breaking from lack of use.

"He's alive" she confirmed, but still looked rather grave.

My heart re-inflated somewhat and i let out a huge breath that i didn't realize i had been holding. Thank God my Danial was still on this earth!

"Whats wrong with him? What happened? Will he be ok?"

The nurse lead me into an empty room with a made bed in and signaled for me to sit down. Nervously i did so.

"Mr Howell suffered an Ischemic Stroke, which was caused by the blockage of one of the blood vessels in his brain. this caused part of his brain to be temporary starved of oxygen. luckily it wasn't a very big blockage and because we where able to help him very quickly the blockage was removed before it could cause major damage. However, before he comes around we will be unable to asses fully how extensive the damage is, or how temporary it is."

I gulped. It all made sense. "He complained of a head ache yesterday! If i had only spotted it and taken him to hospital this may never of hap..."

"Now Phillip, there was no way at all for you to know that it was going to be anything more severe than your average run of the mill head ache. You should not blame yourself! Mr Howell however should have known better!"

I stood up abruptly. "what do you mean?! Don't blame Dan! How was he suppose to know what was happening?!" I said it defiantly sticking up for Dan.

She looked at me sadly. "Because of the hereditary aspect. All his family have high blood pressure and are liable to blood clotting. Why did you think he took all those pills?"

i looked at her confused. There was a short silence, during which her face of patiently explaining turned to horror. " What hereditary aspec..? What pills?!" I slowly intoned.

" I thought you told the receptionist that you where his boyfriend and lived with him?" She asked panicked.

"I am, and i do! what do you mean all his family has high blood pressure?!" I almost yelled at her, really scared now.

"He didn't tell you?" She asked weekly.

I looked at her.

"oh well, i guess i have already kind of told you anyway..." she trailed off. " His whole family suffers from a blood condition that makes them very susceptible to having strokes" Dan tested positive in early December and has been taking a number of pills to lower blood pressure and blood thinning drugs to try and help him. we thought he was reacting well to treatment, but then of course this has happened..." she trailed off again looking sad.

"I can't believe he didn't tell me." i mumbled to myself. That really upset me. I wished that he had confided in me! It must have been so terrible living with that, all by his self. I could have helped him.

there was silence.

"Can i see him." I asked barley looking up at the nurse.

"Yes, he's just through here." I got up and followed her through several doors, and along a corridor. She stopped at a door that was titled '42'.

Slowly i opened the door a crack and peeped in. Dan was lying as flat as a bored in top of the bed sheets, attached to numerous machines. When my eyes had readjusted to the dim light i saw his face. "Dan!" i breathed, and stumbled to his side.


	8. Chapter 8

Phils POV:

Dan was lying perfectly flat on his back, unmoving and seemingly unconscious, his chest rising and falling to a steady, slow rhythm. I knelt over him, our faced very close too see him properly.

Something had changed, not much, but the difference was alarming. His whole right side of the face seemed to sag a little bit, the corner of his mouth and eye weren't in the same place as his peacefully sleeping left side. The corners drooped downwards as though some frequently used muscle had disappeared, leaving his features to be defiled by gravity. He still looked like Dan but this small difference scared me. I wasn't prepared for him to look so damaged, i thought all the scary stuff was bundled up in long names and ailments that i didn't understand deep inside of him. If he looks so damaged from the outside it scared me as to what lay in waiting on the inside to test my already fragile state.

I looked up from the floor at the nurse standing in the doorway of the room. I guess my face must have said a dozen things, because she gave a small sad smile. "Why is his face like that?" i asked shakily. She took a deep breath and walked into the room to sit at the foot of Dans bed. I got the feeling she was trying to give me some room.

"The brain is split into two halves and each side of the brain controls a side of the body, the left side controls the right side of the body and vic-versa. Danials stroke was located in the left side of his temporal lobe and so will inhibit his right side. His sagging face is just the aftermath of the stroke, hopefully after Danial has regained conciseness those effects will wear off..."

She trailed off in such a way that didn't reassure me. I nodded silently, turning back to look at Dan sleeping. After a couple more minutes of me just looking at Dan, and kind of wishing that the nurse would go away, i suddenly realized something.

"What do you mean THOSE EFFECTS?" i made air quotations with my hands "What other things will be wrong with him? Will he have forgotten everything? What-" my voice choked up as the realization of how seriously Dan could be changed hit me.

The nurse was quiet for a moment and i turned around again to look at her, so i could tell from her face how bad it was.

"Please." i almost whispered.

"I think you should talk to the doctor," she said her face not giving anything away, "he'll be through in a moment and he will tell you all about Dans... condition."

She stood up and walked over to me. Gently she squeezed my shoulder before leaving the room.

The door swung shut, and i collapsed, my head resting on top of Dans chest, and sobbed. The grief was so strong that i could barley compose myself, but finally after soaking a wet patch on Dans blanket i lifted my head. My mind oddly blank. I didn't fear what the doctor would say because i knew, i just knew that it was bad. So instead i tried not to think.

I got up from Dans bed side and took the chair at its foot and settled myself down in it as close to his face as possible. I then pulled back his thin blanket a little and extracted his arm, being careful not to pull out any of the numerous wires feeding into him. I clasped his hand in both of mine and pulled it towards my face, and waited.


	9. Chapter 9

Dans POV:

I'm so confused. I have never felt like this before. I'm trying to take stoke of the situation, like i usually do first thing in the morning.

First you think: 'ugh i was asleep and now i am awake'. then, 'i need to get up because it is Tuesday and on Tuesdays i go food shopping' and then 'i need to pee'. and then finally you wake up and you are no longer confused.

Maybe i am just being slow this morning, but i have no idea how to think normally. it's like my internal self commentary is switched off in my head and i have to feel my way around the situation. so, i open my eyes.

There is a boy sitting with his face really close to mine. He has black hair and very pale skin, but his eyes are red as if he has either been crying or is very tired. His eyes are trained on the floor and he looks worried. i feel as if i might know him.

Then I notice that he is clutching my hand tightly in both of his. I look at them confused before pulling mine away, causing him to jump with fright, and look swiftly up at me.

Suddenly his whole face changes and he is smiling at me and saying the same word over and over again. He then turns his head away and calls over his shoulder to someone i can't see. I don't really understand what he is saying, and im finding it hard to concentrate.

I am still completely none plused by my current situation, but i smile at the boy trying to concentrate on what he is saying. The noises, like the boy himself, seem vaguely familiar. Almost as if they are from a foreign language that i briefly studied and have now nearly all but forgotten.

The boy is still taking to me, and i am trying really hard to understand, but i get distracted by some nurses walking into the room.

I am startled, up until now i had not registered that i was in hospital, but as i start to look at my surroundings and see that i am lying in a hospital bed. Machines are crowed around it, and on every flat surface lies cards and flowers. There are also numerous wires poking into my skin, attached with needles and sticky tape.

I am not sure if i feel more or less confused. Something has obviously happened that landed me in hospital, so maybe my current confusion is not to be unexpected, however i have no idea what might have caused me to be here.

People are still talking at me, and it worries me for the first time that i can't really register what they are saying... why can't i understand them?!

The black haired boy has been moved away from my bed side by nurses checking my machines, shining bright lights in my eyes and talking at me. I don't know who to concentrate on. There is so much happening that i don't understand. What's happened to me?!

I try to ask but my brain and voice box don't seem to want to co-operate. A strange noise comes out of my mouth.

The room is silent. They wait, and i try again. And again noises that definitely aren't words come out of my mouth.

I'm so scared. Why can't i talk properly?! Why can't i hear clearly?! Why can't i understand what they are all saying to me?!

In the corner of the room the black haired boy is crying.

I cry too. It is all i can manage to do.


	10. Chapter 10

Phils POV:

I don't know what else i expected. The doctor did explain what Dan would be like, but i guess i just subconsciously clung to the hope that Dan would wake up and be himself. But he isn't.

The worst thing is, is that i don't think he even recognizes who i am. When he woke up he smiled at me, but that doesn't mean anything. He hasn't been able to say a word and it's been a week. The nurses just say he needs time and encouragement. So i spend as long as i can with him talking to him slowly, which seems to help, and miming what i mean. Occasionally i think i have made a break through, because he will look at me as though he understands.

Yesterday he tugged on my sleeve and pointed at all the tubes and machines around him, and then at his mouth and ears. I was so pleased that was trying to communicate with me. I think he was asking what was wrong with him, or why he couldn't listen or talk proper.

I pointed at my head and said slowly and clearly "D-A-M-A-G-E-D" and made a sad face to help him understand. He nodded, so i then pointed at my mouth and ears and intoned "NOT. WORKING." He nodded again, looking sad. "BUT," i said hastily "YOU WILL GET BETTER" and i put my thumbs up.

I had been so excited by Dans progress yesterday that i had brought all kinds of things with me today to try and help him. I had been so warped up in my grief that i realized that i hadn't actually done much that would help him remember.

Dan was sat up in bed today when i walked into him private ward, eating a breakfast of plain toast. He glanced up when i came in and smiled at me. It wasn't a smile that told me he knew who i was, but maybe he recognized me to be the one who sat with him everyday, who spoke to him, who tried to answer his wordless questions and pointing, who occasionally cried or tried to hug him.

I waved at him and said clearly "HELLO. DAN."He nodded which i think meant he understood, or acknowledged me.

While he ate the rest of his food i busied myself around his room. First i plugged in my small CD player and pressed play letting the album 'The origin of symmetry' by Muse fill the room. I then started decorating his ward with things i had taken from his room, like posters, books, game controllers, and figurines.

As i was positioning a fluffy Totoro on his bed side table the black haired nurse, who had let slip about Dans disease walked in to take his food away. She looked in surprise at the new decorations; I thought i was about to be told off, "I'm just trying to jog him memory, i hope you don't mind but i really think that surrounding him with stuff he owns and might recognize could help his recovery." i quickly explained.

"That's actually a really good idea Phil, i never really thought of it like that..." She smiled at me. we had become sort of friends while we both united in the common goal of looking after Dan. "I'll just go and have a word with the cleaners and doctors to make sure that all this stuff is left here. I think your right, this will undoubtedly help him".

She left and i turned back to Dan who was holding the Totoro, resting it on his knees, and looking very hard at it. He looked up at me questioningly. "TOTORO." i said slowly. He looked back at it and half snuggled it into his stomach, then looking up he started pointing at all the other objects.

We spent much of the morning like this; him pointing at objects and me bringing them to him, and telling him what they where. He looked very hard at each one as though struggling to place them. I was so optomistic that what i was doing might be helping him. occasionally i caught him swaying or nodding his head in time to the music as well.

After lunch, i gave him a box of malteasers and he fell upon them immediately and started eating them. I laughed so much at that. Part of it was relief that he hadn't forgotten everything and part of it was because i was really beginning to see the real Dan starting to come back to me.

As he ate i sat on the chair by his bed, and pulled my apple macbook from my bag and set it down between us on the edge of the bed.

The rest of that afternoon was spent with me scrolling through twitter and tumblr like we used to spend so much of our time. At first i just did normal stuff, like retweeting a post by Jack Howard or reblogging a picture of 'L' from Death Note, but after a while i couldn't resist checking the tags for me and Dan. I was determined to act normal so i didn't react when i knew Dan was looking at me asking silent questions.

I then reverted to YouTube and began watching all the videos in my subscriptions box, hoping that the familiar faces of other youtubers would spark recognition in him.

And then finally, when i knew that visiting hours where nearly over i stated to play some of his and my videos. I watched him closely as he stared at the screen. I could not be sure if he was fully recognizing the speech, or if he could process what he was seeing and hearing yet. The doctor said that with time and support he should be able to recover his memories and his ability to speak and listen...

The video ended. The room had grown dark around us because i had forgotten to turn the light on while we had been absorbed. Dan still sat as he had looking at the computer screen, fiddling with the Totoro that was still in his lap.

"Dan?" i whispered, hoping he would smile at me, or indicate in some why that he was ok.

He said nothing. I waited. Hoping for just about anything.

Dan did nothing. I felt so let down. I really thought that today would have helped him remember, but he just sat that. I got up to leave, trying to hold back the tears until i was outside of his room. I packed my macbook away and walked to the door, when from behind me a heard Dan make a croaky noise. I froze, wondering what it was.

Nothing.

"Goodnight Dan." i whispered.

Nothing.

I reached out for the door and as i did so Dan made the croaky noise again, but more urgently.

I turned around just in time to see him drop his head into his hands, i rushed over to him concerned that he was about to have another stoke. But when i reached him i could see he was crying, his shoulders hunched over. Instinctively i hugged him to me and we sat there for a bit.

After a while he pulled back from me, and looking straight into my eyes, whispered "Phil."


	11. Chapter 11

Dans POV:

When at first the tsunami dragged me under, i was pulled so far down that i could not see day light. I couldn't tell what was up and what was down; but as i stopped thrashing against forces unknown inside of me i began to rise. I gathered my barings as light flooded in from above me and i was able to see vague shapes just above the waters surface.

The water bore me irresistibly up, until i anticipated breaking the surface and seeing what the tsunami had left in its wake; but instead of breaking the surface i hovered in the shallows. Close enough to see faint outlines of what was left of my life, but no distinct shapes.

In this tormenting limbo i hovered for what seemed like days. Frustration mounted as i guessed at what dramas where unfurling just above the surface. Close enough for me to witness but too far away to understand, my senses dulled.

But above me was an omnipotent presence; i saw him the most clearly and he, i think, saw me just beneath the waves.

Days and days went by with him coxing me, uplifting me infinitesimally closer to the surface, and then finally when it seemed impossible that i could be so close yet not above the waves he held out a hand to me, a hand that i grasped with all my strength, as he pulled my head above the surface.

Phil had rescued me, yet again.


End file.
